ShadesOfLife: Carry me today

It's funny how you can put so many feelings and thoughts in one week. There's been hate, sorrow, pain, joy, hope, fear, despair and so much more I can't put into words. So much has happened and I'm not sure how I should be at the moment.

I had a horrible flu for over a week about two to three weeks ago, I went to see a doctor and he gave me some pills to eat so I could get better quicker. Well it worked. But then week ago, last Thursday, just when I was already a bit better from the flu I woke up in the morning and got this most horrible and strong headache. I've never had a headache like that. It felt like someone wanted to split my head into two pieces. It was like that for two days and then I had to go back to see another doctor. Well this time they told me it was probably migraine. On Saturday 3.10 my headache was already a bit better but then 8.30pm my dad called me from Finland. It's that moment when you just know something's not right. It's that call you don't wanna get, ever. And especially when you're all alone without anyone you actually know. My grandpa died on Saturday 3.10.

I wonder how everyone's doing... They say they're quite okay. Some of them haven't understood what has happened. I'm so glad they have a lot of people there to be with them. It's really important. You can share your pain and sorrow with others, if you want to cry there'll be someone to comfort you. You don't have to be alone.

Then I think how am I doing. I promised myself to be strong, for others, for my family. Because there are people who are much more sensitive than me, because there are people who loved our grandpa as much as I did. And for them I want to be strong, when they need someone to talk to I can be there without losing it myself. I built this little white box and filled it with memories and hid it in my heart and I won't open it before there's time for that. I will keep myself together as long as I have to. They say that wounds heal, so will this one.

On Saturday evening after 9pm I went to the beach, the air was misty and smelled like fish. I walked down where the water hit the sand. The sea was black and beautiful, sand was wet and cold and the wind was warm. That was the closest I could get to my grandpa and then I said goodbye to him. There were a lot of people, it was a really warm night.

I just want to smile.

Have my memories.

And smile.